As I sit down here to write about this past weekend, I struggle to put it all into words - I have so many of them and they are a jumbled mess in my head! Words like, "amazing, adored, loved, encouraged, friend, laughter, awe, overwhelmed, peace, joy, excitement, and grace" are bubbling inside of me. Thank You, Jesus - You are amazing!
I was the retreat coordinator for my church's women's retreat. As I look back over the past year of planning, I am in complete awe that God pulled it off! He gave me the ultimate privelige of being a vessel for Him to use. Me. This just proves to me once again that He has a sense of humor. I am a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" kinda gal. I am not very organized, I work two jobs - one of them being a daycare provider to 6 kids under the age of 6. Over the course of this past year of planning, I adjusted to married life (got married 10/10) and being a step-mom to 2. I have a 15 yr old daughter and 10 yr old son that are involved in activities. I started a new business and continued to serve in women's ministries. I tell you this to show you that it was NOT me that pulled this retreat off - that would have been impossible - it was God alone!
Is it not amazing that God can teach us so many lessons using pretty much anything? The lessons that He taught me this past year are ones that completely changed me forever, hopefully to glorify Him. I expected to learn some things through the planning process, but did not expect to have life changing lessons at the retreat itself. You see, I thought I'd be running around like a chicken with her head cut-off at the retreat. Amazingly though, I wasn't. God ironed out all of the little wrinkles and allowed me the opportunity to listen to Him as our incredible speaker, Leslie Nease spoke. On Saturday, after Leslie spoke, we had about an hour to be alone with God. I found a spot on a curb facing the Worship Center. I was on a little bit of a hill overlooking a large grass area. I was so moved. There were lots of gals sitting with their heads bowed, Bibles open with the majestic redwoods surrounding us. This is what Heaven will look like! I bowed my head and prayed, but couldn't really concentrate. The words "surrender" and "sold out" kept distracting my conversation with Him. I decided to journal. Sometimes when words don't come easily in my speech it flows through my pen instead. "Surrender what, Lord?" is what I asked. "Everything", is what He answered. You see, I have been a believer for many years and God has done some amazing work in my life. I KNOW that I am saved, but over the past few years I have felt a little disconnect. Through Leslie's speaking, God got my attention. Leslie shared her testimony and used the words "full surrender" and spoke about when we choose something over God, that is your god. Ouch - I was convicted! I do love the Lord, but do I love Him with ALL of my heart? The quick answer is always yes, but really? Sitting on that curb, writing to God, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I have a divided heart. My desire is to glorify God in every area, and I think that I do most of the time, but when I am honest, I am not always putting Him first. I have been out of balance. I desperately want to be a light to others. I want the world to look at me and clearly see Him. Do they? I think sometimes, but not always. The other words that kept popping into my head - "sold-out". What the heck is that about? I guess I'm not always the sharpest tool in the shed, so it is taking a little longer for me to get this. But so far, I think what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me is that I need to be completely sold out for Him alone - in every area of my life. In my fitness business I have some clients that are not believers and I have never addressed this. My daycare is the perfect platform to share Jesus, yet I have not. I separated my businesses from ministry, yet my life is supposed to be a ministry. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but somehow it does to me. I think that I am called to be in full-time ministry and I am terrified to make a leap of faith. I am afraid to take that leap because that means a possibility of letting go of financial security. Not that I truly have that now, but I have not completely surrendered this area to God.
Some of the other lessons that I have learned from all of this: He can do all things - really! He is truly is complete control. When He calls me to do something over my head, He comes through to work it all for His glory. I learned from the retreat that I have been in a bit of a desert place the past few years and I am very thirsty, but didn't realize it. I need to drink of His word desperately, to meditate on it and memorize it.
He is so good, so faithful, so loving! Here you go Lord, you can have my life completely, every area!
